A different way to deal with bullying
October 3, 2011
Comments on this story
(12)
Kristin Rushowy
EDUCATION REPORTER
Don’t call them bullies — and their targets aren’t victims.
Bound-to-be controversial in light of the recent suicide of 11-year-old Mitchell Wilson, a new approach to bullying uses a “no-blame, problem-solving response” rather than punishing aggressive kids and creating a victim mentality among those they target, say leading Canadian bullying researchers.
Joanne Cummings, a clinical child psychologist who is also a director at PREVNet (Promoting Relationships Eliminating Violence Network), a national network of researchers, said the idea behind the no-blame method is that it’s “more motivating for a child who has been aggressive.”
It also helps the bully save face, and “take responsibility for making change, and to feel good about making change, and it decreases the likelihood of feeling unfairly treated and avenge an ‘injustice’ that was done to (them).”
But is it enough? Is it fair not to “punish” bullies? Don’t their targets deserve better? Cummings says she knows the approach sounds soft, but insists it’s far more effective than punitive measures.
A recent example
Cummings points to the case of Mitchell, the Pickering boy who committed suicide last month in part because of bullying.
His parents – much to the astonishment of many – have said they would prefer that the 12-year-old boy who was charged in their son’s attack not be punished or put on probation.
Instead, they’d like him to perform community service to help people with disabilities, read their victim-impact statements and attend school regularly.
“That’ll have more effect on him than probation,” dad Craig Wilson said outside the court last week.
The family has said they are trying to “save the child, because he is just a child too.”
No punishment
In Mitchell’s case, after the alleged attacker was moved to another school, his friends began to target Mitchell, who had muscular dystrophy.
Transferring the aggressor wasn’t necessarily wrong in that situation, says Cummings, adding that she has no knowledge of the case other than what she’s read in the media.
But, in general, “the danger of a very hard-line approach is it elicits sympathy (for the aggressor) ... friends felt justified in their continuation of the bullying.”
Bullying is a relationship problem and needs to be solved like any other, says York University’s Debra Pepler, considered one of Canada’s top bullying experts and a founder of PREVNet.
A good intervention — “and there’s no recipe,” said Cummings — would be to hold meetings, either with an aggressor and a victim’s parents, or even the victim, to “get some dialogue going.”
No bully
“Putting a label on them really restricts thinking,” said Pepler. “Calling them a bully suggests they are always aggressive and that’s part of who they are.” In fact, they may be bullied themselves at home, or gain respect in the schoolyard for being aggressive, she says.
Children who bully at a moderate or high rate are more likely to be delinquent or sexually harass, so “adults need to step in and help them get onto a pathway where they get the attention and leadership opportunities they want in a positive rather than a negative way.”
No victim
Children who have been targeted first require protection from being bullied — but they also often need to build self-confidence and develop positive relationships. Even kids who simply witness bullying need to know they too play a role and what they can to do stop the behaviour.
It’s not victim blaming, Pepler stressed.
Kids have the right to feel safe, and included. Often, vulnerable kids are picked on, and they need help to “recognize their strengths.” Adults also need to focus on helping other children become more empathetic.
Pepler said schools alone can’t solve the problem; bullying happens in the workplace and in the home, and adults need to model better behaviour and help children “get along in a positive way.”
‘Getting soft’ on bullies?
Aggressive kids often come from families that don’t have the ability to teach children how to interact appropriately with others, said Pepler.
“Is it a child’s fault they haven’t had the lessons they need? Maybe the parents haven’t had the opportunity or the resources to do that. You don’t know the layers behind what brings a child to be in trouble. They see the world as a hostile place.
“It’s not getting soft, it’s getting developmental. It’s putting consequences in that are going to teach the child.”
Children who bully need to realize how their actions hurt others, and also learn better social skills and how to empathize. Pepler’s research cites schools that get bullies to read stories or watch films about bullying and then write about it, or take part in conflict mediation or even be “buddied” with younger kids, activities that are monitored closely by staff.