DESI LIFE: FEATURE
Friction in the family
December 11, 2008
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Raheel Raza
Like many immigrants, South Asians hold two aspects of their lives very dear - their culture and faith. Indeed, these things are sometimes their only security in their new world. But they can be a burden as well as a blessing, leading to clashes between the older generations who grew up elsewhere and the younger ones who were born or raised here.
Hassan, a 20-year-old York University student who came to Canada from Pakistan when he was 4, says he can't understand some immigrant parents' rigidity.
"If parents want to impose their own culture in a monolithic way, why do they bring us here in the first place?" he wonders.
Hassan says that while he and his younger brother, Saad, 16, understand the need for strong moral values, it can go too far.
In his case, he says, the parents were always tense and fearful when their boys were outside the home. And that included school.
"I know they trusted us but were afraid we would be influenced by our gora friends and perhaps indulge in drugs, sex and alcohol."
Saad agrees, adding: "It's not as though non-Asian schoolkids indulge in excesses, but our parents felt that if they let go of their values, we might somehow stray from the path."
Their parents have lightened up now that their boys have grown into responsible adults, but the brothers say it could have turned out differently, noting that ultra-strict parents risk a rebellion when their children become teenagers and face peer pressure.
"Look at what happened to the young girl in Mississauga, Aqsa Parvez," they say, referring to a teen who was strangled last December. Her father and older brother face murder charges in her death. The girl had repeatedly flouted their ideas of how she should dress.
Both brothers recall chafing at their parents' prohibition on sleepovers at friends' homes. "It's considered perfectly normal by all our non-South Asian friends," they say. "It was so embarrassing to make pitiful excuses when we were invited for sleepovers."
The sleepover protest is a common one among South Asian youth. Anant Pai, 22, a university student living in Mississauga, says that although he considers his parents quite liberal, staying at a friend's home was always a problem.
"My parents always said, ‘It's not part of our culture,' " he says. Pai comes from a multicultural background: his mother is from Kolkata, his father from Chennai, and the family moved from India to the Middle East and then to Canada in 1998.
"My sister is older, so she has a bit more freedom than I do in the sense that she can stay out a bit later than I can at night, but still no sleepovers," Pai says. "Also, my parents always need to know where we are and who we're with because they feel insecure if we are out with people they don't know. I guess it was a norm back home to know parents of the kids you are friends with, but here it's different."
Pai says he is used to his parents asking a lot of questions about his friends. The questions, as well as the fears and worries, ramp up sharply when South Asian kids leave home for school, no doubt due to "fear of the unknown," he says.
But is this culture clash unique to South Asians, or are these fears faced by all immigrant parents? Zohra Gillani, a worker with Catholic Cross-Cultural Services as well as Settlement and Education Partnership Toronto, thinks it's both.
Gillani works with high schools and families, providing cultural interpretation to students, parents and teachers, and as someone who immigrated to Canada when she was 17, she has personal insight into the issues they face.
She says the sudden change in roles and expectations is a key challenge, albeit one that is not talked about openly.
"In most South Asian families, girls are more protected than males," she says. "Suddenly in Canada there are economic issues and the girls may have to go out and work to support the family. This calls for an attitude shift with parents having to let go, and this can be a real issue because conservative parents are not ready for that change."
Gillani points out that while there are exceptions - depending on the parents' background, education and attitude - parents' openness to communication and change is always key to avoiding culture clashes.
Fariha Alavi, 41, of Mississauga is putting that attitude shift into practice. Alavi, whose husband works in the Middle East, is solely involved in the upbringing of her children: two daughters, ages 18 and 16, and a 12-year-old son. She says it's crucial for parents to trust their children.
"It's very important," she says. "Otherwise we'll be raising half-adults, and that's bad both for parents and kids."
Alavi allows her kids ample freedom, including the much-coveted sleepover - "but only with friends I know. I don't believe in limitless freedom without responsibility."
And although she says her generation certainly didn't grow up expecting dialogue, friendship and communication with their parents, it's something immigrant parents must learn to accept. "We have to change when we come to Canada," she says, "otherwise our kids will lead double lives, always caught between two worlds, which is unhealthy."
For some youth, the challenge stems not from the transition from South Asia to North America but from one Western culture to another.
Myu Pathmanathan, 22, was born in London and came to Canada 10 years ago. Pathmanathan still travels back to the U.K. and Sri Lanka almost once a year, and says there is a wide cultural gap between U.K. Tamils and the Tamils of Canada.
"Tamils in London seem much more assimilated into the mainstream, so growing up brown and Tamil wasn't such a big deal," says Pathmanathan, who is earning a degree in political economy at Wilfrid Laurier University and holds a master's degree in Sri Lankan politics. "Perhaps it's because the Sri Lankans who came to settle in the U.K. in the '70s were highly educated and came by choice. Many Sri Lankans today are forced to leave their education and take refuge in Canada due to the ongoing strife in Sri Lanka, so it's a different dynamic."
Coming to Canada was a bit of a culture shock for him. "My challenge was being pressured to be more ‘Canadian' than the white folks. My mother was so concerned about assimilation that she pushed me to take tae kwon do over Tamil culture."
Pathmanathan, who grew up in Scarborough, is acutely aware of the issues faced by friends who are struggling with isolation, racism and identity crisis as newcomers to Canada.
Some Toronto schools are rising to the challenge. NOW, a provincial school settlement workers' initiative, heads a one-week orientation program for new students. Existing students help mentor the new immigrants, familiarizing them with the school building, classroom routines and the culture of the Ontario educational system, and parents are invited to observe.
The program has been successful in many ways, Gillani says. "It is giving kids a sense of belonging, eliminating isolation and allowing parents a glimpse into their child's life at school."
In addition to culture, religion is also a factor in immigrants' transition challenges. Toronto acupuncture student Amrit Singh, 25, was born and raised in Winnipeg. "I grew up and went to school in an all-white neighbourhood and it was hard," she says. "My mother was from a village in the Punjab and had strict religious and cultural rules while my father travelled a lot, so he didn't have much say in our growing up."
Singh didn't have much of a choice in friends because there were few South Asians in Winnipeg. "My mother could not understand or appreciate Western culture," she says. "Going to movies or ‘hanging out' was a no-no. My only consolation was that I had more freedom than some of the other Sikh girls I knew."
Singh admits her brother adjusted with fewer problems because he was quieter and more accepting, whereas she was a bit of a rebel. "I had to fight for everything, and while I appreciate learning to respect my heritage and culture, it was a constant struggle."
Singh puts this struggle down to her parents' difficulty in letting go. "Many South Asian parents are more concerned about community feedback and what others will say than their children's interests," she says. "For example, if I went out with school friends my mum was always worried that someone from the community might see me out late at night and think that I was a ‘bad' girl."
Some solutions are in place to deal with issues faced by immigrant youth and parents. Dr. Tayyab Rashid is a psychologist who works with South Asian immigrant youth in low-income areas and says ignorance of cultural values on both sides is partly to blame for the problems. He explains that there are many problems parents and teachers are not willing to accept or understand. "For instance," he says "a Caucasian teacher, ignorant of cultural norms, mentions the word ‘boyfriend' in a meeting with a South Asian father and daughter. The father's enraged because this is against his culture; the girl is shocked at the suggestion and the counselling falls apart."
Rashid suggests that schools need to involve parents from different communities in extracurricular activities. "There's an urgent need for outreach on both sides - parents and teachers."
This will require a major attitude shift on the parents' part because they expect the school to assume all responsibility for their child in terms of education, counselling and social upbringing, and that they need not be involved. "Initially parents are hesitant to become proactive in school programs because it's a new phenomenon for them," he says. "But with awareness, this is changing for the better."
Gillani agrees. "There's much more awareness" and many more services available today than when she went to school 13 years ago, she says.
She is hopeful things will continue to improve as long as there is awareness and action - on both sides. "There's so much talk about immigrants adapting to Canadian life, but not enough emphasis on Canadians adapting to immigrants' needs," she says. "Once both sides have accepted these changes and challenges, life will become easier for all, especially our youth who are the future of Canada."
Raheel Raza is an award-winning writer, public speaker and interfaith advocate. Email desilife@thestar.ca