Laura Berman's book Talking to Your Kids About Sex: Turning "The Talk" Into a conversation for Life, encourages parents to get over their discomfort.
Sex: Step-by-step guide to The Talk
October 31, 2009
Family issues reporter
Talking isn't always as easy as it sounds.
Especially when the topic is sex and the conversation is with your child.
But Chicago sex educator and therapist Laura Berman says: Get over it. Because if you're a parent, it's your job.
Her new book Talking to Your Kids About Sex: Turning "The Talk" Into a Conversation for Life, is a guide to help grown-ups start the process with children of all ages.
Berman has assembled hard facts, lesson plans and sample dialogue to walk parents through subjects ranging from the genitals to "the first time."
The book covers the physical (pregnancy, risks associated with oral and anal sex) and the emotional (first love and heartbreak).
The Star spoke with Berman by phone. This is an edited version of her comments.
Q: What's different about this book?
A: I tried to give parents all the tools they need to give children age-appropriate information and important lessons in a way that allows them to wrap their own personal values and ideals around them.
Q: What are your main messages to parents?
A: First and foremost, you obviously want to protect (your children). It's also about teaching. Though we may not want our kids to be sexual now, we eventually want them to have healthy, happy, enriching sexual and romantic lives. You can't shirk this responsibility. You are and should be (your kids') primary sex educator. It starts very early and it's an ongoing process.
Q: Why do a lot of parents find talking about sex difficult?
A: Many of us didn't grow up having a parent that modelled how to do that. We didn't grow up feeling comfortable with it ourselves and still may not be. A lot of parents mistakenly believe information means permission. Study after study has shown that's simply not true.
Q: What are parents' biggest misconceptions?
A: I think we imagine our kids to be more naïve and innocent than they really are because what they're exposed to on the playground is not necessarily what they're discussing with us at home. There has been a drastic jump in sexual experimentation and age of onset for sexual experimentation, and the risks for sexually transmitted diseases have significantly increased since a first-time parent of a preteen was a preteen.
Q: Why do you stress turning "the sex talk" into "a conversation for life"?
A: We imagine that if we've said it once, it's pretty much done. But you wouldn't talk to your kids just once about drugs when they're 11. It's the same with sexuality. You can give kids the same piece of information when they're 10 or 12 or 15 and they will hear it and assimilate it in totally different ways. You have to keep discussing and reinforcing it at each stage of development in a way that lets them know you're open for their questions.
Q: What if your kids are uncomfortable?
A: They often are, especially if you've given them cues many times that it's an embarrassing topic or one that you will judge them on. But studies have shown that even when kids roll their eyes and "Oh, Mom" you, they actually are listening and they do care what you think. You keep persevering and you keep saying, "Look, I know this isn't comfortable for you but it's really important for your health and for your life."
Q: What are the hardest topics for parents?
A: When to actually talk about the act of sex and how to do that. I think parents get stuck on the idea that if they explain to a 11- or 12-year-old what sex is, the child will be picturing what the adult pictures. But, really, they're picturing a geometry or mechanics exercise.
Q: The book gives parents exercises to plumb their own attitudes on everything from body image to sexual orientation before talking to the kids. Why?
A: It's really important to get clear where you stand. If you take the opportunity to spend a little bit of time flushing out what your own ideals, values, experiences and influences have been, and you compare them with your partner and make sure you're on the same page, it makes you so much more prepared to effectively have those conversations. It makes it easier to communicate your point, to figure out what you want to say. It makes it less scary and it makes it more likely that you and your partner are going to both be backing up the same message.
Q: Any other words of encouragement?
A: It's not always going to be comfortable, but it gets easier as you practise. It's okay to be uncomfortable, it's okay not to have all the answers. You will have lots of opportunities and chances to take advantage of teachable moments. It's not okay to let your discomfort put your kids at risk. And that's what you're doing if you don't have the conversations.