She loves them, no matter what
July 31, 2010
Trish Crawford
LIVING REPORTER
Cathy Gilbert, 52, can bond with a child just by reading their biography.
The adoption support worker from Nanaimo, B.C. has four biological children and 12 adopted children — six of whom came from adoptions that didn’t work out.
She and husband Dave, 52, a marine instructor, started “serial adopting” when they realized some children with attachment disorders were being given back to children’s aid societies.
“We’ve had all of it, the lying, stealing, setting fires,” says Gilbert, who has had to padlock the pantry to keep food in the house, drive kids to school because they don’t behave on the bus and sent a teen to wilderness camp so he wouldn’t disrupt a family wedding.
This is not the way she expected to parent, she is quick to admit, but she has had to adjust as she has tackled serious behavioural issues with children who have been abused, neglected and abandoned.
One teenager has still not “attached” to her after a decade. But that’s okay, says Gilbert, as her need for parental rewards have been met by the other children and she is strongly bonded to that child herself.
“The medical stuff is easy. So he has diabetes, so what? It’s the more pressing issue — is it a kid who doesn’t attach well but you can still parent them?”
Since she adopted her first child in 1991, she has seen children who have been “in the system longer and we mess with them longer.” Every year of impermanence just makes it harder for the child to bond.
In spite of this, “there are many good outcomes,” Gilbert points out, with her older adopted children returning home to celebrate Father’s Day, happily raising their own families and at peace with the world.
The issue of adoption of older children “is very complicated,” she says. “It’s really a challenge for society.”
When the younger children ask why the other parents didn’t adopt them, Gilbert comforts them by saying, “We’re lucky we got you.” But, with teenagers, she may ask, “Well, look at your behaviour.”
But there’s never any doubt that they are hers forever.
“We’re in this for the long haul. This is what we do because we like kids and think they’re fun.”