Ledger: As gay culture discovers joy of maturity, parenting transforms our lives
September 4, 2010
Brent Ledger
QUEER CULTURE
One day, I was having drinks with a friend, bemoaning media coverage of gay life, particularly sensational stuff like crystal meth addiction, which is a real problem but a minority taste.
“I bet you there are more people adopting kids than doing crystal,” said my friend.
As someone who’s blissfully uninterested in doing the daddy thing, I’m late to admit it but it’s true. Stats are hard to come by, but queer parenting is definitely in the air.
Julianne Moore and Annette Bening played lesbian moms in The Kids Are All Right. Two gay dads often steal the spotlight on the hit comedy Modern Family. And in real life, high-profile actor Neil Patrick Harris and his partner recently announced that they were expecting twins.
Meanwhile, books on the topic continue to fly off the presses. Last year, there was Who’s Your Daddy? And Other Writings On Queer Parenting, edited by local parenting activist Rachel Epstein. This year, there’s Beyond Expectation: Lesbian/Bi/Queer Women And Assisted Conception, based on interviews with women approaching parenthood.
Here in Toronto, the 519 Church St. Community Centre runs programs aimed at preparing queers for parenthood and supporting them in the early years. Some 800 people have taken Dykes Planning Tykes and Daddies and Papas 2B since the inception of the programs 13 and eight years ago, respectively. In addition to information on the legal, medical, financial and psychological ramifications of parenthood, the 519 tries to break down stereotypes that inhibit authentic parenting. It also fosters community and safe space with special events and regular drop-ins.
So widespread is the idea of gay parenting in some circles that we’re starting to see articles, not just on its acceptability, but on the problems that sometimes ensue — the ins and outs of knowing the sperm donor, the complications of multi-parent arrangements, the perils of international adoption.
Some people still object to gay parents, insisting kids need both a mother and a father, and the objections are particularly vociferous in the U.S., where battle raging in California over gay marriage promises to go all the way to the Supreme Court.
But I don’t know how anyone who’s ever kvetched about their own parents (that includes most of you) could object to gay parents. How exactly could we do worse than straights? Parenting is an art not a science, and nobody gets it exactly right.
As Chris Veldhoven of the 519 queer parenting program points out, what kids need is love, attention, commitment and dependability. Those characteristics aren’t limited to straights. Indeed, one recent long-term study suggests lesbians actually make better-than-average parents. Their offspring, said CNN, “rated higher in social, academic and total competence.”
No matter what straights think of gay parents, though, the trend signals a shift in the way gays see ourselves. After decades of obsessing about youth and the crises of youth, gay culture has discovered the joys of maturity. Gay kids still need help coming out and protection from bullying and other discrimination at school, but the focus has shifted to the other half of the family dynamic: gay parents and the way parenting shapes people, relationships and the larger community.
It’s hard to imagine the Boys in the Band, those iconic denizens of late 1960s gay life, having kids. Bitter, tortured and self-loathing, the fictional friends couldn’t accept themselves, let alone anyone else. But with social acceptance has come a new way of seeing ourselves and new options.
The mildly ironic joke is that in creating this new kind of community we are in a sense obliterating the old. Unlike the many minorities that expand the community by reproduction, queer parents have no expectation of a mirror image. Most of their kids will turn out straight.
Brent Ledger appears every second Saturday. You can reach him at bledger@ca.inter.net.