SINGLE DAD
Start your own group for dads
February 18, 2008
Peter Ehrlich
SPECIAL TO THE STAR
Men have no problem creating social networking groups to discuss business opportunities but it's another thing for guys to easily find other men who are willing to talk about their feelings face-to-face. It's like trying to find a white rhinoceros.
The supposition is that it's not manly to be vulnerable. But based on my own experience as a volunteer mentor to a single fathers group, when I spoke with guys who were brave enough to talk about what they were going through, none of us felt weak.
It was the opposite. Our group felt we were discovering the most masculine part of ourselves, the deep paternal core that truly defines us as men; protectors and fathers of our children. Michael, for example, talked about how much pain he was in, knowing his letters weren't getting delivered to his daughter.
When I get emails that start with, "Here's my story; tell me what you think," the first thing I think is, "Wow, another guy who wants to talk about his feelings."
My guess is that there are lots of men in Toronto who are open to communicating with other single dads but don't know how to find them.
When I say "communicating," I'm not talking about men who want to focus on how they hate their ex, or want to blame the court system or feminists for their plight. I'm talking about men who want to talk about how they love their kids and the positive next steps they're willing to take to play a significant role in their lives, even if at the moment it seems against all the odds.
Why not create your own single dad support group or "Single Dad Meetup.com" group? You'd be developing something that Toronto needs.
Here are some ideas to help you get it off the ground:
Start networking: Make a list of all the single dads you know and don't be afraid to ask friends, relatives, acquaintances and, yes, even the "boardroom guys" if they know any single dads. Spread the word and start collecting emails.
Find a space: Take turns with the other guys to host the meeting. Or use your local coffee house, library or community room.
Develop a fun poster: Everyone has seen a lawn sale poster, but imagine how unusual it would be to put up a single dad meeting poster to advertise your group.
Contact your community newspaper: Community newspapers will often allow support groups to publicize their activities free. And who knows, a columnist or reporter might want to write an article about your group, which would increase membership.
Create an agenda: Decide what you want to talk about. For example, what is working in terms of access and legal matters, relationships with ex-spouses and children? (I once admitted that I decided the best way to put away the past was to "like my ex to death." That blew them away.) Come up with new ideas and create an atmosphere that has the guys feeling positive.
Create special events with the kids: Go to the ROM or zoo together, take the ferry to Centre Island or have a barbecue. Your children will revel in meeting other kids who are part of a single-parent household.
Today is Ontario's first Family Day. If you're a bit down because you feel detached from the celebration, today may be the perfect day to start your group. Keep me posted.
Peter Ehrlich's column appears
every other Monday. Contact him
at pehrlich@peterehrlich.com.
Toronto Star