SEX AFTER BABY
Are You Getting Any? Your Post-baby Sex Life
March 26, 2008
Brandie Weikle
Just back from a run to the drugstore for diapers, my husband was on his way upstairs loaded down with crinkling bags. "What else did you get?" I asked from the couch where I was nursing our six-month-old son. "Oh, soap, toilet paper, shampoo and a year's supply of condoms," he said with a grin. "A 12-pack then?" I replied. "Yep," he laughed.
Our bedroom stats weren't quite that grim, but they say there's a little truth behind every joke. Our little guy only occasionally let us get five or six hours of sleep in a row and we were both exhausted - me from nighttime feedings and being with an infant all day, my husband from his shifts of nocturnal rocking and blurry-eyed days at the office.
And from what I'd heard whispered over decaf lattes in coffee shops where new moms gathered, we weren't alone. Sleep deprivation, tender body parts and round-the-clock breastfeeding are just a few of the libido killers new parents experience.
"Sex takes a real hit, there's no doubt about it," says Sue McGarvie, an Ottawa sex therapist and the author of Quivering Jello: How to Have Mind-Blowing, Toe-Curling Orgasms!. "The kind of sex you had to make the baby is certainly not happening afterwards. Some people bounce back fairly quickly, but realistically you're looking at eight weeks, no matter what, in terms of restarting things."
To begin with, it takes time for moms to heal enough from the birth to be physically able to have intercourse. "Personally, I wasn't ready," says McGarvie. "I think there are so many women who are in that kind of shape, especially after a first baby, that you try it but it's actually very physically painful if you've had a vaginal delivery." And while some moms who give birth by Caesarean section say they were better off in the bedroom because of it, many experience tenderness in the abdomen that makes sex seem as good an idea as attempting a cartwheel.
REASONS FOR DISCOMFORT
After her daughter was born, Toronto mom Alison Lohan* was surprised by the amount of vaginal pain she experienced during intercourse, not just at the perineum, where a new mom might expect it, but deeper. "It was almost like losing my virginity all over again. I had very sharp pains, to the point where I'd just tense up. I went to the doctor and she said it was normal. It took a while before I started actually enjoying sex again. I enjoyed all the other stuff, but if it involved intercourse, it was probably half a year before it was something that I wanted.
"In fact," she pauses, "I think losing my virginity was easier because then I had low expectations."
Doug Black, an Ottawa obstetrician and gynaecologist, says what Lohan experienced is not uncommon. "I think the old teaching was that you waited until you saw your doctor around six weeks." That created an expectation that sex should be in full swing again once the doctor gave the OK. Today, doctors advise that once the bleeding has stopped, there's no risk of introducing an infection to the lining of the uterus, and technically intercourse could resume before that doctor's appointment, he explains. "But it's an issue of comfort. I see women six weeks after a vaginal delivery and four weeks after a Caesarean. I'd say less than 25 percent have resumed sexual activity before that visit.
"Some people have ongoing discomfort, whether there's been an infection at the episiotomy site or maybe the episiotomy stitching is too tight," says Black. Some women may still have some discomfort even when there is no infection or stitching. Furthermore, "breastfeeding can cause decreased lubrication in the vaginal area because usually you're not producing as much estrogen in the first four to six months."
EMOTIONAL OBSTACLES
So what are moms and dads to do when the spirit moves but the body isn't quite willing? If intercourse is out, says McGarvie, "that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with the rest of your body. Your hands and your mouth still work and I advise people, ‘You know, an orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm. You've got to have some intimate time...even if it's just cuddling naked once a week.'"
McGarvie does acknowledge, however, that even if you've gotten past pain during intercourse or worked out a way around it, fluctuating hormones and sleep deprivation can still derail romance, she says. "You may think, OK, I could use my hand and a bottle of baby oil to help this guy out, but it's the last thing I feel like doing. It's like ‘Get to the back of the line. The dishes are mounding up, my toddler's screaming, my baby's screaming, the last thing I want to think about is taking care of your needs, buddy.'"
Melissa Patterson* can relate. "I recently told my partner that I had no sex drive anymore and he keeps thinking this means I'm no longer physically attracted to him, which is not true," says the Nanaimo, BC, mother of Conner, now one. "He doesn't understand how difficult it is to be with a baby 12 hours a day. So when he comes home from work and our son is asleep, he thinks I should be excited to have sex, when really I am excited to be relaxing and that I'll be asleep soon. My body just isn't interested in sex because that leads to a baby and I just had a baby."
Amanda Rouse, a Rothesay, NB, mom of two under three, says breastfeeding has played a part in her lack of libido. "I am physically drained after a day of nursing our daughter. I'm emotionally spent as well after having someone attached to my breasts for 10 hours every day. And frankly, dripping, sagging breasts don't exactly make a girl feel very sexy."
Not every mom experiences negative feelings about her postpartum body or a desire for her breasts to be off-limits because of breastfeeding. "I really enjoyed my body," says Alison Lohan of her first few months of motherhood. "I felt I looked more womanly; I liked my big boobs."
COMMUNICATION IS KEY
So how is a partner supposed to sort out where the new boundaries are? "I would say he needs to ask," says McGarvie. Communication during this wonderful but often overwhelming period is key to avoiding anger and resentment. Talking about how you're feeling, what your day was like, even the weather will help you maintain a sense of coupledom during a time that seems almost all about parenthood. "If you're not having conversations, you're probably not connecting enough to have sex either," she says.
Sid Williams of Toronto says he was amazed at just how much his sex life with his wife changed after their son was born. "I never ever thought I would say I'm too tired," he says, but Evan's night waking put a big dent in his libido, not just his wife's. It's a problem they are trying to work around with communication and Friday-night dates. "I think we may be more frank now, especially in saying that we need to set aside intimate time for us."
Being on the same page helps, but so does being in the same bed. When Georgetown, Ont., mom Gail Powell went to her six-week postpartum checkup, her doctor asked what she'd like to use for birth control. "I said, ‘We're not even sleeping in the same room,'" laughs Powell.(Drywall - now there's a barrier method that works!)Her daughter's love of frequent nighttime nursing, combined with Powell's typical new-parent fear her little one would stop breathing in her absence, had the two of them camped out on an air mattress on the nursery floor. Powell and the baby, that is - her husband was in the next room trying to get some shut-eye before catching the early train into the office.
Even if you don't have a tiny person frequenting the all-night diner in mom and dad's bed, your sleep is probably fractured and in short supply. What can you do other than spell each other off for naps and get help where you can so you have the energy to even contemplate lovemaking? "What I do is schedule it," says McGarvie. It may not be spontaneous, but it's critical, she says. "I figure sex is at least as important as doing the laundry."
And when you feel about as sexy as the load of spit-up stained clothes in the hamper? "You fake it till you make it - literally," says McGarvie. "It may be the last thing you feel like, but usually when you get into it you're like ‘Oh, OK….' You need to realize it's going to take a little bit more work, but it's worth it in the relationship. You absolutely need to be sexual with your partner to maintain intimacy. Otherwise, you feel like roommates. It's very hard to endure the stress on a marriage that a baby brings without knowing that the level of intimacy in your relationship is there."
* Names changed by request.
HOW TO BRING BACK THAT LOVIN' FEELING
Schedule it. You may long for the spontaneity of sex before kids, but if you wait to be overcome with desire, you could wind up having sex about as often as you take the car for an oil change. If you're uncomfortable pencilling sex onto your calendar alongside bake sales and bonspiels, pinpoint a weekly TV night and let your Survivor or CSI date set the stage with cuddling, a glass of wine and some shared laughter or intrigue. If it's a rerun, even better. Make a ritual of reading the Saturday paper together on the couch after the kids have gone to bed. Sex is much more likely to happen if you set aside some time to be together.
Understand the way your partner gets aroused. While men are aroused by what they see, explains Ottawa sex therapist Sue McGarvie, women are turned on by what they hear or imagine. "That's why Harlequin romances are so popular," she says. "And I don't know if you've read a Harlequin lately, but they're not what your grandmother left at the cottage, let me tell ya." And while men can be aroused quite quickly, for women it's more of a slow burn, she says. If a dad hopes to get some, he would be wise to whisper something seductive to his partner in the morning, follow it up with a sexy voice mail, and then do something to lighten her load by bringing home takeout or bathing the kids while she puts her feet up. Having a chance to think about sex will help her get in the mood, says McGarvie. "For men it's all visual. They just want you back in the lingerie as soon as physically possible."
Spell each other off. Before you can feel sexy, it helps to at least feel like yourself. For brand new parents that can mean taking shifts getting up with a night-waking baby or trading turns letting each other sleep in a little later in the morning. If you've got older kids, it could be as simple as letting your spouse stay in the minivan and listen to the radio for half an hour while you suit the kids up for tae kwon do.
Practise random acts of kindness. It's easy to take your partner for granted when there are so many more pressing needs to meet, but everyone appreciates romantic gestures - especially the kind that come outside of anniversaries and Valentine's Day. It doesn't require much money or planning - a grocery store bouquet of tulips or a little note left on the kitchen counter can mean the world. Since her daughter was born 18 months ago, Samantha Jarvis* says the little things her husband does mean even more than they did before they became parents. "The other morning he made me a latte before work," she said. "Not only was he looking after Emma, but he took the time to realize that would make a difference in my day."
Try different parts of the house. Some parents find it hard to make love in their bedroom because it's hard to forget about the baby next door, the preschooler who might burst in with one more request for a drink of water or the teenager who's still up surfing the Net. The den or even the bathroom might provide needed distance or privacy, as well as variety.
Get a lock on your bedroom door. And on the basement stairs door while you're at it. Enough said.
Go for a drive. McGarvie knows a blended family with five kids - two from each prior marriage and a baby they had together. Once their oldest could watch the middle kids, they'd take the baby, the cellphone and go for a drive, she says. The baby would fall asleep, they'd be available to the kids by cellphone, and they could pull over somewhere and talk. And if there's no baby along or a grandparent at home looking after the kids? Why not go parking, says McGarvie.
Learn to appreciate the quickie. You can take up tantric yoga when the kids are at university.
Think about the number of activities your children do. Not only does over-programming rob kids of valuable unstructured time, it runs parents ragged and often sends partners in opposite directions evenings and weekends. With little time to do anything but update each other on sports scores and chromatic scales, it's unlikely there will be much left for sex.
Love your co-parent. Seeing her partner be a loving dad to their toddler is a whole new kind of turn-on, says Jarvis. "He'll come home from a trip and he'll pick her up in her sleep. Or one day I was walking the dog and when I came around the corner, he had Emma on his shoulders," she says. "Those are just the little moments that are almost like a fantasy. It's those moments that make me go, ‘Wow, I really want to be with that guy.'" As much work as parenting is, it's good to remember that having your kids is probably something you dreamed of doing together. Holding on to favourite images of your partner and child together will help you keep perspective when the dishes are piling up.
Originally appeared in Today's Parent magazine.